My Life for the past two years has been like stepping through the looking glass. My forty years of marriage and raising children have been all consuming and totally given over to what others needed. I had melt downs of wondering where I was and who I was everything that defined me was them, not me. I always found myself trying to fit in with others in our lives but it was like putting a square peg into a round hole. I just didn't fit or feel comfortable. Then boom I went through two years of depression. I found myself at the bottom of a dark hole that I couldn't figure how to climb out of. It was a place I never thought in my wildest dreams I would ever be. What I let define who I was had changed and I no longer had a place. Some one had set fire to Suzie Homemakers world and it was burnt to ashes.
People spoke but nothing really connected. I just went through the motions until I crashed and one day I didn't get out of bed and then another when I did I just sat and cried. Then one day my husband said something to me that made something in my mind click. It was very simple, "What do you want, really want to do with your life if you could do anything?" Each day I began thinking about that one thing until it was all I thought about and even how I got where I was. The one day I decided I would no longer live my life for others but for me. My choices would be mine, my thoughts would be mine and no one would ever define me with their reflection. Suddenly I could see everything that was on the other side of that looking glass, my dreams and ambitions that I put aside so many years ago. I was giving myself to live and be my authentic self.
As they say, "That was then and this is now," and my now is a glorious path that has trickled down into the lives of those around me. Our lives are so much better that before. I started by going back to school at 57 to become a certified Holistic Health Practitioner specializing in aromatherapy and reiki. It was through the discipline of mastering prayer and meditation that I once again found my spiritual center, the quietness where I hear my Creators voice and love. One by one I was beginning to add all the colors of life back into my color box. This past January I began my Master Herbalist & Holistic Nutrition studies.
When I told my 38 year old son I was going back to school he asked me, " Why in the world would you want to do that at your age?" I told him, "Because it would help my family." I don't know if he ever got it or not. What he doesn't know is that when I graduated high school I had a scholarship to go to collage but got married and had babies instead (impetuous youth) with the idea to always go back. I may not be the marine biologist I once planned but the ride has been wild and I wouldn't trade it for anything. So I can now say that living on the dark side of the looking glass with depression was a blessing because it brought me through to the other side - where I was meant to be all the long.